Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Verdict... Guilty

The other day our Willow got a rash, it was an angry sort of rash, made worse by Willow itching himself raw.  Funny thing, Willow diagnosed himself with, 'itchma'. Anyhow it got worse throughout the evening, so I rang out of hours, they squeezed him into 'GoDoc' at the hospital.  To state here, the National Health Service in this country is fantastic, if you need medical advice/reassurance/treatment, how lucky we are that it's so FREELY available.  So it turns out, it's an eczema allergy type thing, caused by new jumpers, that #BadMa didn't wash before putting them on. 

#Obvs when the kids are poorly; it's all about me, I started to feel so guilty. It's ridiculous, but the more I mulled it over, the more guilt came over me.  It had to be my fault, Lizzy has never had eczema, why would she I breastfed her for miles longer than Willow.  With m'laddo I gave up the minute he turned 26 weeks (the bugger was a biter, and had top and bottom teeth).  Over the coming days, whenever I put the steroid cream on his little arms, I had a tear in my eye thinking 'This is my fault this is'.  It isn't really, eczema - it's just a childhood thing, but the pressure we mothers put on ourselves.  I don't remember feelings of such inappropriate guilt before the kids came along.  It's like when your newborn is put in your arms, you immediately start with the self inflicted guilt-trip! 

When I was on my first mat leave, I felt guilty because I had to go back to work, how could I leave my baby to fend for herself in a private nursery?  Five years later, second baby  I felt guilty because I was desperate to go back to work, I counted down the days for when I could abandon my child to paid childcare!   

     I feel guilty that my kids have happy meals 
     I feel guilty that some days I countdown the minutes till they're in bed
     I feel guilty that sometimes I'm not really listening to them
     I feel guilty that they still share a room
     I feel guilty that I don't push the veg more than I should
     I feel guilty at the sheer number of late tickets they get
     I feel guilty with my poor effort on dress up days 
     I feel guilty that I don't help out more at School 
     I feel guilty that I don't really want to help out at School 
     I feel guilty that I don't take them swimming enough 
     I feel guilty that I let them have chocolate brioche for breakfast on school days
     I feel guilty when I shout at them simply because I'm feeling a bit moody... 
           I really could go on...

The main charges against me - 

Biscuit giving, I distract Willow with biscuits, so I can faff round on FB without disturbance - GUILTY 

Abandonment - I only go to the gym/run/bootcamp to get away from my family - GUILTY 

Bribery - I drop Lizzy a bung if she sees to Willow in the morning (set him up on YouTube and give him a cereal bar) - GUILTY 

Perhaps I am guilty as charged..... send her down.... 

xx Emma-Lou 












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